frustrated

 My room is very colorful I have pastel and neon colors, it takes me two hours to work on them I find 8 quotes and 8 bible verses. I buy these sketch books and once I've gotten the message I put it in my the sketch book and I give the books to people. I always need some change, its healthy to change your room around. I know if I get a boyfriend we can't be here because of Jorma. Steph was going to sleep over tomorrow night but I know my mom wouldn't like that because then she couldn't walk around in her night gown and Jorma couldn't walk around in his boxers. It was peaceful here last week but my mom felt bad that Jorma had to sleep in Mary's basement. My mom disappointed me when she let Jorma move back here, when I told her that Steph was coming later tomorrow she didn't like that but I want to get out of the house and have fun. Steph is going to put me in her car and we're going to leave my chair here and have fun tomorrow night 

Steph left early today and I went to the library and I got a book called "One Summer by David Balacci" it's about this husband who is loosing his battle with cancer and he tells his wife and kids that he's dying. I remember summer 1999 when my dad took me to the beach and he told me "when the sun goes down I go too" I had no idea what he meant by it until December 1999 when he went home at 6:03. There is a guy who always talks to me at barns and noble and at the library too and he's always telling me I need to have faith I always leave because I have allot of faith and I am fine being disabled it doesn't bother me. I inspire allot of people and I wish that he would get to know me better than quickly judging me. But people only look at disabled people on our  out sides. So I left, he always is making me feel bad about myself and it's not a good feeling either.

My mom doesn't want me to have Steph and Lauren over tomorrow night, I know why because then her and Jorma can't walk around in their comfortable night clothes and I wish that I could have friends here too. But my mom doesn't like when I have friends here. I want do a movie and pizza night and Steph would get me out of my chair and bring it in the living room or in my room. Its sad how she can have friends over but when it comes to me I can't and it's not easy living here, Jorma walks around in his boxers and my mom is always on the phone or watching her shows. I'm not needed here anymore, last week when Jorma was gone things wee different my mom and I were getting along good but he always needs her. I can go places myself and if I could drive I would drive to umass. I don't need my mom every second, when Jorma was in Finland my mom did more things with me but the second he came back she stopped.

That guy at the library he thinks that I am dumb, I said "I am fine with being disabled" I can save others who don't believe in God or help disabled people. He talks down to me and I am smart, tonight in my book I read 84 pages. Just because my legs they don't work doesn't mean that my brain doesn't work. Tomorrow Steph is coming later so I will go to the library and if he's there I am going to ignore him. I don't mind being disabled I like to help out others who are in my shoes. Last night in my dream I was working back at the arc, all the clients they miss me and I miss them too. The director of the program she won't hire me back and the day program that I was going to volunteer at they wouldn't have me there all the time. Ellen called me today and said that she didn't have any open spots for me on Friday. So I will call Ann my dds worker and ask her if she knows of any other day programs that I could volunteer at. It even says in the bible that God has a purpose for all of us and maybe mine is to help other disabled people, I am fine with being disabled. I don't like how he talks to me like I am a kid, when he sees me at barns and noble talks to me the same way. I wish my mom would allow me to have friends here, but she doesn't want anyone to see Jorma walk around in his boxers. I was telling Pam and Steph that it creeps me out seeing him walk around like that. He reminds me of a woman how one day he's talking to me and then the next day he's not. It was so peaceful here last week and now everything is very stressful and it gets annoying too. But when I go to the library or church and get out of this stressful house I am not focused on what has happened. My book that I am reading it really reminds me of my dad, I don't want to give to much away in case someone wants to read it. If that guy is there tomorrow I am going to ignore him I deal with enough as it is so I don't need to deal with someone putting me down even more.  

This girl
Nikki Flores

Hey hey

There's a girl livin' in this town
She's got her head up in the sky
But her feet are on the ground
There's a girl livin on my street
She knows outside her little world
Somehow ends are gonna meet
And when the road gets kinda rough
She keeps one thing in mind
The longest journey always starts with one step at a time

And this girl's seen a lot of pain
But this girl's gonna smile again
She knows that a flower grows every time it rains
And this girl's got a lot of dreams
She knows that tomorrow's ain't what it seems
She might not solve a mystery tonight
But this girl's gonna be alright

There's a girl walkin' in these shoes
And she knows that everything she's got is all she's got to lose
There's a dream right behind these eyes
And she finds a reason to be strong
With every tear she dries
Tryin' hard to fight the way things are
So she leaves her world behind
When the sound of doubt is turned up so loud
She turns the music up inside

And this girl's seen a lot of pain
But this girl's gonna smile again
She knows that a flower grows every time it rains
(Every time it rains)
And this girl's got a lot of dreams
She knows that tomorrow's ain't what it seems
She might not solve a mystery tonight
(No no no no)
But this girl's gonna be alright

Alright, oh no no, hmmm

She knows there's so much she's never seen
But time will allow her to find out what it means

Nooo

And this girl's seen a lot of pain
But this girl's gonna smile again
(Gonna smile again)
She knows that a flower grows every time it rains
(Every time it rains)
And this girl's got a lot of dreams
She knows that tomorrow's ain't what it seems
(No no no no)
She might not solve a mystery tonight
But this girl's gonna be alright

Alright, alright
But this girl's gonna be alright
She's gonna be alright