Thank God for blogging

My mom has changed, this morning I was uncomfortable and she said "what's the complain about?". My life right now is very overwhelming I am keeping my door shut because I don't want to see Jorma, I am very annoyed with him right now. I was texting Dale yesterday and I said "if he can afford his own van then he can afford his own apartment" but he needs my mom all the time and its to bad. I was so happy that I was getting my mom back but then my mom felt bad that he was living in Mary's basement. When Jesus comes back and asks my mom and Jorma "why didn't you get married?" and they say "we would lose the ssi money" I don't want to be them. Yesterday Jorma tried to talk to me, but I ignored him because I don't like the way he treats me. Yes he is nice but he always needs my mom, when my mom said "he doesn't drink or swear" I was so tempted to say "you don't need to lie to me I know he drinks I see the beer and I know what soda is to him". When I'm in the van with them he always has a huge grumpy face to him, as I'm writing about this the tears are coming. When I was done my breakfast they went upstairs and I knew it and the tears came. I wish I could tell my mom that it does hurt that he's back and if she really loved me she would have said no to him, but she has a weak soul.
When I am stressed out I'm not hungry, at times I want to scream. I don't even want to talk to my mom or Jorma. My mom needs to get Lacy more dog food and Jorma needs to go with her, he can't live a week without her. He is 60 and he always needs my mom, I am 29 and I don't need my mom all the time. I am in this room allot and it gets boring my mom wonders why I change it around so often if she interacted with me more then it would be different.
Church is tomorrow and I like going there everyone sees past this wheelchair and I'll get away from the stress from here. This afternoon I got out of my chair and I fell asleep. I laid in bed until 6:30, there was nothing else to do I knew my mom would be upstairs with Jorma. It's kind of funny how Jorma can't be alone and he always needs to be with my mom, my mom brings me to church he will go to the Lutheran church two years ago I went to prayer at cross roads and they asked him "do you want to come in?" and he said "church isn't for me". It's sad to see my mom and Suvi be in relationships where the guys don't believe in God. Brad doesn't like to church, I am sure if I wasn't disabled I wouldn't like church either. But God has blessed me with so many things such as Lacy she's cute. She tells on me when I scratch, but I think that's in her job. When she sees me leave to church she looks sad, I know Jorma will make a comment when I leave tomorrow but I am use to it by now. When she sees me come home she goes nuts and she gets so excited too it's cute though, she loves when I buy her bones she goes nuts when I ask her "do you want a bone?" it's amazing how much she knows like the word cookie, bone, ride. Sometime this week I need to bring her to Mary's and she goes nuts when she sees the street and Mary loves to see her too
When I go to church and there is a new usher the other ushers tell them "she'll run you over" even when I went to cross roads Jay warned everyone there too about me. Crossroads and horizon both said that when I get my new power chair they need to put it in the news paper if someone sees me speeding to pull me over and give me a ticket. I have friends at horizon one Sunday Kayley and Beth were sitting next to each other and they wouldn't let me scratch, they smack me when they see me scratch. My doctor and Ellen said it's out of habit that's why I scratch, it gets worse in the summer but I can deal with it. I like going to church they joke around with me and they always tell me that I am a bad driver. When I am around the house I like to listen to klove I hear really good songs, when I leave I always leave it on for Lacy. I can't believe the music that I use to listen too. That's what happens when you give yourself to God he changes you, my family always says "you might get hit" but the bible says that he doesn't leave or forsake us. I know that am safe  with him. Tomorrow I can't go church myself because the roads aren't good and their working on them. I don't mind when the ushers joke around with me. When my nurse came on Thursday we were talking about God and how he allows things to pass just as my disabilities. I know for a fact if I wasn't disabled I would go drink and party, instead I read and look up bible verses and good quotes. It takes me 2 hours to find them, its easier to read the bible on my walls than to hold the bible in my hands. Dale use to call my room the walk in bible and it is the walk in bible I have bible verses every where and I always find good bible verses and quotes too. I am always having my brain working between reading, doing the puzzle books and everything else that I do.
Waiting For Tomorrow
Mandisa

Maybe tomorrow we'll start over
Maybe tomorrow I will finally change my ways
Said the same thing yesterday
Don't know why I'm so afraid
To let You in
To let You win
To let You have all of me

(Chorus)
Can't live my whole life wastin'
All the grace that I know Uou've given
'Cause you've made for so much more than
Sittin' on the sidelines
I don't wanna look back and wonder
If good enough could've been better
Everyday's a day to start over
So, why am I waiting for tomorrow (x2)

Maybe today I'll start believin'
That You're mercy really is
As real as You say it is
It doesn't matter who I used to be
It only matters that I've been set free
You rescued me
You're changing me
Jesus take everything

Chorus

I'm making this my moment now
To grab the hand that's reachin down
To save me
You saved me
I'm making this my moment now
To grab the hand that's reachin down
To save me
You saved me

Chorus

I'm gonna grab the hand that's reachin down
And I'm not gonna wait until tomorrow
Oh, tomorrow

 

 

 

Spring is here :)

Last night Dawn & I were talking about how we were before we were born again Christians, it's kind of sad how people get stuck in religion. I think that's why Al came into my life to get me out of the Lutheran church. Jean is a seventh day adventist and she doesn't want me to send her anything that isn't from the bible. I want to find a good boyfriend and Steph knows a guy at bread of life church, I know my dad will come into my dream and tease me. I will tell him to get out of my dream and I know he won't. I was reading about Jean's religion & they are strict like the Lutheran churches, they can't listen to any music but hymns.  
I went out with Steph and we took Lacy with us, she took Lacy for a walk and then she hooked her onto me. Yesterday Lacy went to the vet and got shots so she was tired so Steph went to bring Lacy home. After she picked me up and she promised me that she would bring my charger and she didn't so half way up my street my chair started to die I made it home. Chris from apple home care called and I ignored him, yes this power chair has helped me but I am weaker. I don't know what is up with Steph lately I can't talk to her about anything. She's not coming on Saturday because she said that she needs time for herself, she always wants to be with Chad :(. It's not easy living here or being me I have had so many disappointments in my life. When I went to the library I was talking to a guy who got hit by a train and he's in a wheelchair too, I was telling him my testimony how I use to drink & swear in 2008 I became born  again and that was the best thing in my life that I ever did. I trust in Jesus more than I ever did before.
When I went to the library I got 3 books and I already read 80 pages in a book, I love reading. It takes my mind off thing that are bothering me. Yesterday & today I've been sitting out side and I am really tan, my mom said that I've always tanned quickly, I sat outside for an hour and half. Last night when my mom changed me I have tan lines. I was coming home from the library it was 79 degrees out, when I got home I charged my chair then I went outside and did a puzzle & that's when I started to read. Once I start a good book I can't put it down, the book is fictional it's called "A dogs purpose" I texted to Dawn and told her that she needs to read it. My mom came outside with me and I knew that Jorma wanted to come out but he was in his boxers with no shirt on so he runs from me. I always keep my door shut a tiny bit at nights so I don't see him without a shirt on it would be different if he was my dad but he's not even supposed to be living here.
Last night When Dawn and I were talking, I was telling how Sammy wants to hang out but her mom doesn't want her to hang out with me. Sammy is always with her mom, she always needs to be with someone. Just like Alycia is they don't have any self confidence in themselves they aren't their own guardians and neither one of them have their high school diplomas. The state that I live you need to pass the mcass to graduate and Sammy passed it and she didn't get her diploma, my friends got it for me and I am still thankful for them too. My mom and Maiju didn't believe in me and they still don't, I know I could go back to collage if my health was better. But I have spasms and I always need to get fixed in my chair. I wish that the arc would hire me back. Today Steph dropped me off at the pizza place and all the clients were out there and I know they miss me. I wonder if I could volunteer at a group home and get out of here so I wouldn't be bored at nights, Steph is going to get married and I need something convent to do. I think that Sammy's mom doesn't like me hanging out with her because I would make her independent. When I go shopping my mom and Steph they won't follow me around Steph says the song "Mrs. independent by Kelly Clarkson" is my song I go every where myself, I know when I go to the library or church God is with me and he won't leave me. My family is so worried that a car might hit me, but Steph said that a car can crash into them too. I need my headphones because there are drug dealers and sometimes I carry my meds with me so I have to ignore them and my chair is my car. Everyone listens to music in their car and anyone could get hurt, I have more faith than anyone in my family.
Praise You In This Storm
Casting crowns
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth