My mom has changed, this morning I was uncomfortable and she said "what's the complain about?". My life right now is very overwhelming I am keeping my door shut because I don't want to see Jorma, I am very annoyed with him right now. I was texting Dale yesterday and I said "if he can afford his own van then he can afford his own apartment" but he needs my mom all the time and its to bad. I was so happy that I was getting my mom back but then my mom felt bad that he was living in Mary's basement. When Jesus comes back and asks my mom and Jorma "why didn't you get married?" and they say "we would lose the ssi money" I don't want to be them. Yesterday Jorma tried to talk to me, but I ignored him because I don't like the way he treats me. Yes he is nice but he always needs my mom, when my mom said "he doesn't drink or swear" I was so tempted to say "you don't need to lie to me I know he drinks I see the beer and I know what soda is to him". When I'm in the van with them he always has a huge grumpy face to him, as I'm writing about this the tears are coming. When I was done my breakfast they went upstairs and I knew it and the tears came. I wish I could tell my mom that it does hurt that he's back and if she really loved me she would have said no to him, but she has a weak soul.
When I am stressed out I'm not hungry, at times I want to scream. I don't even want to talk to my mom or Jorma. My mom needs to get Lacy more dog food and Jorma needs to go with her, he can't live a week without her. He is 60 and he always needs my mom, I am 29 and I don't need my mom all the time. I am in this room allot and it gets boring my mom wonders why I change it around so often if she interacted with me more then it would be different.
Church is tomorrow and I like going there everyone sees past this wheelchair and I'll get away from the stress from here. This afternoon I got out of my chair and I fell asleep. I laid in bed until 6:30, there was nothing else to do I knew my mom would be upstairs with Jorma. It's kind of funny how Jorma can't be alone and he always needs to be with my mom, my mom brings me to church he will go to the Lutheran church two years ago I went to prayer at cross roads and they asked him "do you want to come in?" and he said "church isn't for me". It's sad to see my mom and Suvi be in relationships where the guys don't believe in God. Brad doesn't like to church, I am sure if I wasn't disabled I wouldn't like church either. But God has blessed me with so many things such as Lacy she's cute. She tells on me when I scratch, but I think that's in her job. When she sees me leave to church she looks sad, I know Jorma will make a comment when I leave tomorrow but I am use to it by now. When she sees me come home she goes nuts and she gets so excited too it's cute though, she loves when I buy her bones she goes nuts when I ask her "do you want a bone?" it's amazing how much she knows like the word cookie, bone, ride. Sometime this week I need to bring her to Mary's and she goes nuts when she sees the street and Mary loves to see her too
When I go to church and there is a new usher the other ushers tell them "she'll run you over" even when I went to cross roads Jay warned everyone there too about me. Crossroads and horizon both said that when I get my new power chair they need to put it in the news paper if someone sees me speeding to pull me over and give me a ticket. I have friends at horizon one Sunday Kayley and Beth were sitting next to each other and they wouldn't let me scratch, they smack me when they see me scratch. My doctor and Ellen said it's out of habit that's why I scratch, it gets worse in the summer but I can deal with it. I like going to church they joke around with me and they always tell me that I am a bad driver. When I am around the house I like to listen to klove I hear really good songs, when I leave I always leave it on for Lacy. I can't believe the music that I use to listen too. That's what happens when you give yourself to God he changes you, my family always says "you might get hit" but the bible says that he doesn't leave or forsake us. I know that am safe with him. Tomorrow I can't go church myself because the roads aren't good and their working on them. I don't mind when the ushers joke around with me. When my nurse came on Thursday we were talking about God and how he allows things to pass just as my disabilities. I know for a fact if I wasn't disabled I would go drink and party, instead I read and look up bible verses and good quotes. It takes me 2 hours to find them, its easier to read the bible on my walls than to hold the bible in my hands. Dale use to call my room the walk in bible and it is the walk in bible I have bible verses every where and I always find good bible verses and quotes too. I am always having my brain working between reading, doing the puzzle books and everything else that I do.
Waiting For Tomorrow
Mandisa
When I am stressed out I'm not hungry, at times I want to scream. I don't even want to talk to my mom or Jorma. My mom needs to get Lacy more dog food and Jorma needs to go with her, he can't live a week without her. He is 60 and he always needs my mom, I am 29 and I don't need my mom all the time. I am in this room allot and it gets boring my mom wonders why I change it around so often if she interacted with me more then it would be different.
Church is tomorrow and I like going there everyone sees past this wheelchair and I'll get away from the stress from here. This afternoon I got out of my chair and I fell asleep. I laid in bed until 6:30, there was nothing else to do I knew my mom would be upstairs with Jorma. It's kind of funny how Jorma can't be alone and he always needs to be with my mom, my mom brings me to church he will go to the Lutheran church two years ago I went to prayer at cross roads and they asked him "do you want to come in?" and he said "church isn't for me". It's sad to see my mom and Suvi be in relationships where the guys don't believe in God. Brad doesn't like to church, I am sure if I wasn't disabled I wouldn't like church either. But God has blessed me with so many things such as Lacy she's cute. She tells on me when I scratch, but I think that's in her job. When she sees me leave to church she looks sad, I know Jorma will make a comment when I leave tomorrow but I am use to it by now. When she sees me come home she goes nuts and she gets so excited too it's cute though, she loves when I buy her bones she goes nuts when I ask her "do you want a bone?" it's amazing how much she knows like the word cookie, bone, ride. Sometime this week I need to bring her to Mary's and she goes nuts when she sees the street and Mary loves to see her too
When I go to church and there is a new usher the other ushers tell them "she'll run you over" even when I went to cross roads Jay warned everyone there too about me. Crossroads and horizon both said that when I get my new power chair they need to put it in the news paper if someone sees me speeding to pull me over and give me a ticket. I have friends at horizon one Sunday Kayley and Beth were sitting next to each other and they wouldn't let me scratch, they smack me when they see me scratch. My doctor and Ellen said it's out of habit that's why I scratch, it gets worse in the summer but I can deal with it. I like going to church they joke around with me and they always tell me that I am a bad driver. When I am around the house I like to listen to klove I hear really good songs, when I leave I always leave it on for Lacy. I can't believe the music that I use to listen too. That's what happens when you give yourself to God he changes you, my family always says "you might get hit" but the bible says that he doesn't leave or forsake us. I know that am safe with him. Tomorrow I can't go church myself because the roads aren't good and their working on them. I don't mind when the ushers joke around with me. When my nurse came on Thursday we were talking about God and how he allows things to pass just as my disabilities. I know for a fact if I wasn't disabled I would go drink and party, instead I read and look up bible verses and good quotes. It takes me 2 hours to find them, its easier to read the bible on my walls than to hold the bible in my hands. Dale use to call my room the walk in bible and it is the walk in bible I have bible verses every where and I always find good bible verses and quotes too. I am always having my brain working between reading, doing the puzzle books and everything else that I do.
Waiting For Tomorrow
Mandisa
Maybe tomorrow we'll start over
Maybe tomorrow I will finally change my ways
Said the same thing yesterday
Don't know why I'm so afraid
To let You in
To let You win
To let You have all of me
(Chorus)
Can't live my whole life wastin'
All the grace that I know Uou've given
'Cause you've made for so much more than
Sittin' on the sidelines
I don't wanna look back and wonder
If good enough could've been better
Everyday's a day to start over
So, why am I waiting for tomorrow (x2)
Maybe today I'll start believin'
That You're mercy really is
As real as You say it is
It doesn't matter who I used to be
It only matters that I've been set free
You rescued me
You're changing me
Jesus take everything
Chorus
I'm making this my moment now
To grab the hand that's reachin down
To save me
You saved me
I'm making this my moment now
To grab the hand that's reachin down
To save me
You saved me
Chorus
I'm gonna grab the hand that's reachin down
And I'm not gonna wait until tomorrow
Oh, tomorrow
Maybe tomorrow I will finally change my ways
Said the same thing yesterday
Don't know why I'm so afraid
To let You in
To let You win
To let You have all of me
(Chorus)
Can't live my whole life wastin'
All the grace that I know Uou've given
'Cause you've made for so much more than
Sittin' on the sidelines
I don't wanna look back and wonder
If good enough could've been better
Everyday's a day to start over
So, why am I waiting for tomorrow (x2)
Maybe today I'll start believin'
That You're mercy really is
As real as You say it is
It doesn't matter who I used to be
It only matters that I've been set free
You rescued me
You're changing me
Jesus take everything
Chorus
I'm making this my moment now
To grab the hand that's reachin down
To save me
You saved me
I'm making this my moment now
To grab the hand that's reachin down
To save me
You saved me
Chorus
I'm gonna grab the hand that's reachin down
And I'm not gonna wait until tomorrow
Oh, tomorrow
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