frustrated

 My room is very colorful I have pastel and neon colors, it takes me two hours to work on them I find 8 quotes and 8 bible verses. I buy these sketch books and once I've gotten the message I put it in my the sketch book and I give the books to people. I always need some change, its healthy to change your room around. I know if I get a boyfriend we can't be here because of Jorma. Steph was going to sleep over tomorrow night but I know my mom wouldn't like that because then she couldn't walk around in her night gown and Jorma couldn't walk around in his boxers. It was peaceful here last week but my mom felt bad that Jorma had to sleep in Mary's basement. My mom disappointed me when she let Jorma move back here, when I told her that Steph was coming later tomorrow she didn't like that but I want to get out of the house and have fun. Steph is going to put me in her car and we're going to leave my chair here and have fun tomorrow night 

Steph left early today and I went to the library and I got a book called "One Summer by David Balacci" it's about this husband who is loosing his battle with cancer and he tells his wife and kids that he's dying. I remember summer 1999 when my dad took me to the beach and he told me "when the sun goes down I go too" I had no idea what he meant by it until December 1999 when he went home at 6:03. There is a guy who always talks to me at barns and noble and at the library too and he's always telling me I need to have faith I always leave because I have allot of faith and I am fine being disabled it doesn't bother me. I inspire allot of people and I wish that he would get to know me better than quickly judging me. But people only look at disabled people on our  out sides. So I left, he always is making me feel bad about myself and it's not a good feeling either.

My mom doesn't want me to have Steph and Lauren over tomorrow night, I know why because then her and Jorma can't walk around in their comfortable night clothes and I wish that I could have friends here too. But my mom doesn't like when I have friends here. I want do a movie and pizza night and Steph would get me out of my chair and bring it in the living room or in my room. Its sad how she can have friends over but when it comes to me I can't and it's not easy living here, Jorma walks around in his boxers and my mom is always on the phone or watching her shows. I'm not needed here anymore, last week when Jorma was gone things wee different my mom and I were getting along good but he always needs her. I can go places myself and if I could drive I would drive to umass. I don't need my mom every second, when Jorma was in Finland my mom did more things with me but the second he came back she stopped.

That guy at the library he thinks that I am dumb, I said "I am fine with being disabled" I can save others who don't believe in God or help disabled people. He talks down to me and I am smart, tonight in my book I read 84 pages. Just because my legs they don't work doesn't mean that my brain doesn't work. Tomorrow Steph is coming later so I will go to the library and if he's there I am going to ignore him. I don't mind being disabled I like to help out others who are in my shoes. Last night in my dream I was working back at the arc, all the clients they miss me and I miss them too. The director of the program she won't hire me back and the day program that I was going to volunteer at they wouldn't have me there all the time. Ellen called me today and said that she didn't have any open spots for me on Friday. So I will call Ann my dds worker and ask her if she knows of any other day programs that I could volunteer at. It even says in the bible that God has a purpose for all of us and maybe mine is to help other disabled people, I am fine with being disabled. I don't like how he talks to me like I am a kid, when he sees me at barns and noble talks to me the same way. I wish my mom would allow me to have friends here, but she doesn't want anyone to see Jorma walk around in his boxers. I was telling Pam and Steph that it creeps me out seeing him walk around like that. He reminds me of a woman how one day he's talking to me and then the next day he's not. It was so peaceful here last week and now everything is very stressful and it gets annoying too. But when I go to the library or church and get out of this stressful house I am not focused on what has happened. My book that I am reading it really reminds me of my dad, I don't want to give to much away in case someone wants to read it. If that guy is there tomorrow I am going to ignore him I deal with enough as it is so I don't need to deal with someone putting me down even more.  

This girl
Nikki Flores

Hey hey

There's a girl livin' in this town
She's got her head up in the sky
But her feet are on the ground
There's a girl livin on my street
She knows outside her little world
Somehow ends are gonna meet
And when the road gets kinda rough
She keeps one thing in mind
The longest journey always starts with one step at a time

And this girl's seen a lot of pain
But this girl's gonna smile again
She knows that a flower grows every time it rains
And this girl's got a lot of dreams
She knows that tomorrow's ain't what it seems
She might not solve a mystery tonight
But this girl's gonna be alright

There's a girl walkin' in these shoes
And she knows that everything she's got is all she's got to lose
There's a dream right behind these eyes
And she finds a reason to be strong
With every tear she dries
Tryin' hard to fight the way things are
So she leaves her world behind
When the sound of doubt is turned up so loud
She turns the music up inside

And this girl's seen a lot of pain
But this girl's gonna smile again
She knows that a flower grows every time it rains
(Every time it rains)
And this girl's got a lot of dreams
She knows that tomorrow's ain't what it seems
She might not solve a mystery tonight
(No no no no)
But this girl's gonna be alright

Alright, oh no no, hmmm

She knows there's so much she's never seen
But time will allow her to find out what it means

Nooo

And this girl's seen a lot of pain
But this girl's gonna smile again
(Gonna smile again)
She knows that a flower grows every time it rains
(Every time it rains)
And this girl's got a lot of dreams
She knows that tomorrow's ain't what it seems
(No no no no)
She might not solve a mystery tonight
But this girl's gonna be alright

Alright, alright
But this girl's gonna be alright
She's gonna be alright

 

The things I go through

Lacy is so cute, last night when I was getting ready for bed she had to watch my mom get me in bed. I love her so much, who ever dropped her off 7 years ago is a huge blessing in my life. Every night I pray with her and when I say "in Jesus name" she goes nuts she knows who made her. It's amazing how she knows words, I can't say the word Mary she goes nuts. Mary and Lacy are so cute together when we go down that street Lacy goes nuts. Mary loves Lacy as much as I do, when I leave or come home she gets so excited to see me. Four years ago when the doctors told me it wasn't possible to get off my anti depressants I went home and said "Lacy and God do your work again" this summer will be 4 years that I've been off them and I will never use them again. Lacy and God are better anti depressants than mans anti depressants, I am so glad my dad taught me to pray, I remember at MHS when he would leave he would pray with me. I pray every night with Lacy or myself, I am glad that God used Lacy to get me off my anti depressants and to accept my colostomy. When Chris and I were dating he always wanted me to bring Lacy with me, last August when I went to visit him Lacy came with me and he ignored both of us. I still wonder what got into him, he loved Lacy he use to have a picture of Lacy and him on his facebook but after I went to visit him he deleted the picture.
Steph texted me and said "on my way" she's so focused on Chad and the wedding and not on me. When she's leaving from here she's calling her cousin Jamie Chad gets out of work at 2 and they text, it puts me in a weird position I've been more quiet I don't have anything in common with her. Beth the girl who I am going to hire next she likes to read, and go places.
I went out with Steph and we picked up her mom and her mom freaks out in the van and Steph and I were laughing at her. She went into her bank and we hid around the corner and her mom didn't see us right away, it was funny even though her mom didn't think so we thought it was funny though.One thing that Steph and I have in common is that our moms freak out so quickly. My mom worries a little to much when I go to church she freaks out and says "what if you get hit?", last year on Mothers day Bret and Maiju were saying how I need to be careful when I am going places but God is always with me. I think God chose me to be disabled because he knew that I wouldn't be afraid to go places myself. I know what to look out for and I can't always have someone with me I am 29, yes it would be nice if my mom interacted with me more. Tomorrow I am going to have Steph change my room around because I am in it so much that I get bored. My mom sits in the living room and watches her shows but she really doesn't have the patience to talk with me because of my speech. I asked her why doesn't she use the hoyer lift and she said "it's easier to put you in bed the way I do" but I think that she wants to go upstairs with Jorma quickly.
On Wednesday Steph is going to come in later and we're going to have some fun with Lauren our friend. We aren't going to take my wheelchair I am going to get in Steph's car. I told my mom and she didn't like it, my van needs to be fixed and my mom said "you'll need to stay here yourself". Steph was going to sleep over but my mom wouldn't like that because then Jorma can't walk around in his boxers. Today when I was telling Steph's mom when Jorma came back on Thursday my mom and him took showers and her mom said "they were going to have some fun". I can't always stay in the house, what if I get a boyfriend and he wants to take me out at night my mom won't like that. I never know when God could call me home if I wasn't disabled I wouldn't be stuck here at nights I would probably be drinking and going to parties every night. It gets annoying how I can't have sleepovers because of Jorma, when Siira worked with me she was allowed to sleep over. I really wish my mom wouldn't have let Jorma back here, when he was gone my door could be open at nights and now it can't. I was telling Pam that they don't want to get married because they'll lose their ssi money, its not easy being me. I wish I had a rewind button to last week when Jorma was gone everything was so peaceful and now theres allot of tension. Jorma needs Jesus he goes to church but I don't think he believes in God. He always needs my mom to be with him all the time I am 29 years old and I can go places myself. I know my family wouldn't trust me living on my own because they still think I tried to kill myself. I miss my apartment, and finding a roommate that wouldn't be easy because I am on so many medications that they could get stolen. I am hoping that I can meet with my therapist that I meet with once a week and I hope Ann my dds worker can be there too I want to ask Ann if she knows of how long the shared living list is, I am burnt out living here. It was fine when Jorma was gone and I thought he was gone for good but my mom felt bad that he needed to live in Mary's basement as I've said before she has a week soul and its a shame that she let him move back in. 
More
Matthew West

Take a look at the mountain
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of me

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am

And I'm always thinking of you
Take a look round you
I'm spelling it out one by one

CHORUS:
I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today and tomorrow
I'll say it again and again
I love your more

Just a face in the city
Just a tear on a crowded street
But you are one in a million
And you belong to me

And I want you to know
That I'm not letting go
Even when you come undone

Repeat Chorus

I love you more, yeah
Shine for me
Shine for me
Shine, you shine, you shine for me

Repeat Chorus

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today through the joy and the pain,
I'll say it again and again
I love you more
I love you more
I see you, and I made you
And I love you more than you can imagine
More than you can fathom
I love you more than the sun
And you shine for me

 

 

 

I am in so much pain :(

My whole body is frustrating me, I have this stimulator and I don't know how to use it. I wish for once my body would give me one break, it gets very annoying always having this pain and spasm. My body drains me out, I miss having a boyfriend who could take my mind off my spasms and pain. When I go to church the pain and spasms ease up, the music relaxes me the services are good too. When I first went to the born again church 4 years ago I wasn't use to the music I was use to the slow music. I know everyone at Messiah Lutheran Church they want me back there, when I went there for the Christmas service I was so bored. My nephew Jeffery he said "we need to go to that boring church?" I laughed. The last two days I've been taking an hour and half naps, my body drains me out having 3 disabilities in one body that's enough for one person. I am a strong person, I learned it from my dad he taught me allot. I hate at night when I am relaxed and the phone rings it makes me jump so I keep my door shut. I always keep my phone on vibrate or off all sounds after 9, loud noises make me have more spasms. I know this week Steph will say "we need to go out" she doesn't like sitting around in my house but I don't like going out allot I need a calmer pca who likes the library such as Beth I don't mind volunteering but going shopping isn't my thing.

I tried going to church but my body was spasming, tomorrow I need to call the botox doctor. This morning when my mom was getting me out of bed I could tell her back was hurting. If she used the hoyer lift her back wouldn't hurt.

Tomorrow I am calling the botox doctor and my dds worker. I want a volunteer job I know my mom would want me to work at market basket but I would get bored doing that. I need the botox my body is always spasming and its getting stressful, today at church the pastors wife and my friend Tanya had to remind me to stay calm. I had to leave early I was in so much pain the botox does help me even though it hurts but my spasms get better they don't go away totally but they ease up. I wish my mom would use the hoyer lift Steph told me that she'll never transfer me the other way, when I get a new pca I will need to have Mary the pt come show her how to use it. I want to volunteer and do something convent when I helped at the arc I felt needed, around here the everyone has a life. Lacy misses me though she is too cute, she always needs to watch Steph and my mom get me in bed and out of bed. I need to bring her to see Mary before Easter, I will have Steph a good picture of Lacy and I and then I will have Lacy bring it to Mary herself. They love each other we can't say her name because Lacy knows it. She's a small dog but God made a smart dog.

Last night I asked my mom to wash my face and she said "you can use two face clothes" I know that she wants me to keep my Independence. I told her once "I am going to have Steph go to market basket for me" and she said "why can't you go?" I know if my dad was here he would have asked me the same question. My mom and Steph tell me if I can't reach something in a store then I can ask but if I can reach it then I need to get it myself. When I volunteered at the arc Alycia would ask me "can you open this for me?" and I said "you can do it yourself". I am pretty outgoing even though I am this disabled and I stick up for myself, I won't go sit in a day program but I don't mind helping in one. It's sad to see that people think that just because our legs they don't work that our brains they don't work. When I was at FHS and they put me in the life skills program I didn't learn anything that year, Dawn and I were talking and she said "if you would have stayed at MHS you wouldn't be in the power chair all the time". MHS they focused more on our bodies but they taught us too, but in my freshman year they put reading before pt and I wouldn't stop reading. My ex boyfriend was in that class and one day my dad came to MHS and he said "is the guy you like" my face turned so red. Dave and I really don't talk, I really don't talk to anyone from MHS. When I go to barns and noble I see my friend Shawn and Dave there who got my diploma for me and allot of other friends did too. Shawn works there and Dave goes to see him and when Dave sees me he always gives me a hug and I told him that I am getting a new chair and he said "the whole town needs warning about you, because you'll run them over". When I go to market basket I always buy the little drink packets that I can fill my bottles with, and I buy food that I can put in the microwave. I am so glad my parents sent me to MHS, I wish my mom would have told them that they couldn't take me out of there. Suvi was there and she was in the cool group where they drank every weekend, even to this day she really doesn't do much with me. Oh well it's her loss and my friend Kayley told me that one day Suvi will regret not doing anything with me. 

Overcome
Jeremy Camp

Seated above
Enthroned in the Father's love
Destined to die 
Poured out for all mankind
God's only Son
Perfect and spotless One
He never sinned 
But suffered as if He did

All authority, every victory is Yours
All authority, every victory is Yours

(Chorus)
Savior, worthy of honor and glory
Worthy of all our praise
You overcame
Jesus awesome in power forever
Awesome and great is Your name
You overcame

Power in hand 
Speaking the Father's plan
You're sending us out
Light in this broken land

All authority, every victory is Yours
All authority, every victory is Yours

Chorus

We will overcome 
By the blood of the Lamb
And the word of our testimony
Everyone overcome
(X3)

Thank God for blogging

My mom has changed, this morning I was uncomfortable and she said "what's the complain about?". My life right now is very overwhelming I am keeping my door shut because I don't want to see Jorma, I am very annoyed with him right now. I was texting Dale yesterday and I said "if he can afford his own van then he can afford his own apartment" but he needs my mom all the time and its to bad. I was so happy that I was getting my mom back but then my mom felt bad that he was living in Mary's basement. When Jesus comes back and asks my mom and Jorma "why didn't you get married?" and they say "we would lose the ssi money" I don't want to be them. Yesterday Jorma tried to talk to me, but I ignored him because I don't like the way he treats me. Yes he is nice but he always needs my mom, when my mom said "he doesn't drink or swear" I was so tempted to say "you don't need to lie to me I know he drinks I see the beer and I know what soda is to him". When I'm in the van with them he always has a huge grumpy face to him, as I'm writing about this the tears are coming. When I was done my breakfast they went upstairs and I knew it and the tears came. I wish I could tell my mom that it does hurt that he's back and if she really loved me she would have said no to him, but she has a weak soul.
When I am stressed out I'm not hungry, at times I want to scream. I don't even want to talk to my mom or Jorma. My mom needs to get Lacy more dog food and Jorma needs to go with her, he can't live a week without her. He is 60 and he always needs my mom, I am 29 and I don't need my mom all the time. I am in this room allot and it gets boring my mom wonders why I change it around so often if she interacted with me more then it would be different.
Church is tomorrow and I like going there everyone sees past this wheelchair and I'll get away from the stress from here. This afternoon I got out of my chair and I fell asleep. I laid in bed until 6:30, there was nothing else to do I knew my mom would be upstairs with Jorma. It's kind of funny how Jorma can't be alone and he always needs to be with my mom, my mom brings me to church he will go to the Lutheran church two years ago I went to prayer at cross roads and they asked him "do you want to come in?" and he said "church isn't for me". It's sad to see my mom and Suvi be in relationships where the guys don't believe in God. Brad doesn't like to church, I am sure if I wasn't disabled I wouldn't like church either. But God has blessed me with so many things such as Lacy she's cute. She tells on me when I scratch, but I think that's in her job. When she sees me leave to church she looks sad, I know Jorma will make a comment when I leave tomorrow but I am use to it by now. When she sees me come home she goes nuts and she gets so excited too it's cute though, she loves when I buy her bones she goes nuts when I ask her "do you want a bone?" it's amazing how much she knows like the word cookie, bone, ride. Sometime this week I need to bring her to Mary's and she goes nuts when she sees the street and Mary loves to see her too
When I go to church and there is a new usher the other ushers tell them "she'll run you over" even when I went to cross roads Jay warned everyone there too about me. Crossroads and horizon both said that when I get my new power chair they need to put it in the news paper if someone sees me speeding to pull me over and give me a ticket. I have friends at horizon one Sunday Kayley and Beth were sitting next to each other and they wouldn't let me scratch, they smack me when they see me scratch. My doctor and Ellen said it's out of habit that's why I scratch, it gets worse in the summer but I can deal with it. I like going to church they joke around with me and they always tell me that I am a bad driver. When I am around the house I like to listen to klove I hear really good songs, when I leave I always leave it on for Lacy. I can't believe the music that I use to listen too. That's what happens when you give yourself to God he changes you, my family always says "you might get hit" but the bible says that he doesn't leave or forsake us. I know that am safe  with him. Tomorrow I can't go church myself because the roads aren't good and their working on them. I don't mind when the ushers joke around with me. When my nurse came on Thursday we were talking about God and how he allows things to pass just as my disabilities. I know for a fact if I wasn't disabled I would go drink and party, instead I read and look up bible verses and good quotes. It takes me 2 hours to find them, its easier to read the bible on my walls than to hold the bible in my hands. Dale use to call my room the walk in bible and it is the walk in bible I have bible verses every where and I always find good bible verses and quotes too. I am always having my brain working between reading, doing the puzzle books and everything else that I do.
Waiting For Tomorrow
Mandisa

Maybe tomorrow we'll start over
Maybe tomorrow I will finally change my ways
Said the same thing yesterday
Don't know why I'm so afraid
To let You in
To let You win
To let You have all of me

(Chorus)
Can't live my whole life wastin'
All the grace that I know Uou've given
'Cause you've made for so much more than
Sittin' on the sidelines
I don't wanna look back and wonder
If good enough could've been better
Everyday's a day to start over
So, why am I waiting for tomorrow (x2)

Maybe today I'll start believin'
That You're mercy really is
As real as You say it is
It doesn't matter who I used to be
It only matters that I've been set free
You rescued me
You're changing me
Jesus take everything

Chorus

I'm making this my moment now
To grab the hand that's reachin down
To save me
You saved me
I'm making this my moment now
To grab the hand that's reachin down
To save me
You saved me

Chorus

I'm gonna grab the hand that's reachin down
And I'm not gonna wait until tomorrow
Oh, tomorrow

 

 

 

Spring is here :)

Last night Dawn & I were talking about how we were before we were born again Christians, it's kind of sad how people get stuck in religion. I think that's why Al came into my life to get me out of the Lutheran church. Jean is a seventh day adventist and she doesn't want me to send her anything that isn't from the bible. I want to find a good boyfriend and Steph knows a guy at bread of life church, I know my dad will come into my dream and tease me. I will tell him to get out of my dream and I know he won't. I was reading about Jean's religion & they are strict like the Lutheran churches, they can't listen to any music but hymns.  
I went out with Steph and we took Lacy with us, she took Lacy for a walk and then she hooked her onto me. Yesterday Lacy went to the vet and got shots so she was tired so Steph went to bring Lacy home. After she picked me up and she promised me that she would bring my charger and she didn't so half way up my street my chair started to die I made it home. Chris from apple home care called and I ignored him, yes this power chair has helped me but I am weaker. I don't know what is up with Steph lately I can't talk to her about anything. She's not coming on Saturday because she said that she needs time for herself, she always wants to be with Chad :(. It's not easy living here or being me I have had so many disappointments in my life. When I went to the library I was talking to a guy who got hit by a train and he's in a wheelchair too, I was telling him my testimony how I use to drink & swear in 2008 I became born  again and that was the best thing in my life that I ever did. I trust in Jesus more than I ever did before.
When I went to the library I got 3 books and I already read 80 pages in a book, I love reading. It takes my mind off thing that are bothering me. Yesterday & today I've been sitting out side and I am really tan, my mom said that I've always tanned quickly, I sat outside for an hour and half. Last night when my mom changed me I have tan lines. I was coming home from the library it was 79 degrees out, when I got home I charged my chair then I went outside and did a puzzle & that's when I started to read. Once I start a good book I can't put it down, the book is fictional it's called "A dogs purpose" I texted to Dawn and told her that she needs to read it. My mom came outside with me and I knew that Jorma wanted to come out but he was in his boxers with no shirt on so he runs from me. I always keep my door shut a tiny bit at nights so I don't see him without a shirt on it would be different if he was my dad but he's not even supposed to be living here.
Last night When Dawn and I were talking, I was telling how Sammy wants to hang out but her mom doesn't want her to hang out with me. Sammy is always with her mom, she always needs to be with someone. Just like Alycia is they don't have any self confidence in themselves they aren't their own guardians and neither one of them have their high school diplomas. The state that I live you need to pass the mcass to graduate and Sammy passed it and she didn't get her diploma, my friends got it for me and I am still thankful for them too. My mom and Maiju didn't believe in me and they still don't, I know I could go back to collage if my health was better. But I have spasms and I always need to get fixed in my chair. I wish that the arc would hire me back. Today Steph dropped me off at the pizza place and all the clients were out there and I know they miss me. I wonder if I could volunteer at a group home and get out of here so I wouldn't be bored at nights, Steph is going to get married and I need something convent to do. I think that Sammy's mom doesn't like me hanging out with her because I would make her independent. When I go shopping my mom and Steph they won't follow me around Steph says the song "Mrs. independent by Kelly Clarkson" is my song I go every where myself, I know when I go to the library or church God is with me and he won't leave me. My family is so worried that a car might hit me, but Steph said that a car can crash into them too. I need my headphones because there are drug dealers and sometimes I carry my meds with me so I have to ignore them and my chair is my car. Everyone listens to music in their car and anyone could get hurt, I have more faith than anyone in my family.
Praise You In This Storm
Casting crowns
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth